by many authors and observers
of life and we all who are actually living the world political consequences of the genders male and female not
embracing the balance of the masculine with the feminine." M'reen
Curtis H Stamey
discusses the culture of masculinity.
He asks “What does it mean to be a real man in the 21st Century?”
and proposes an alternative way.
At the dawn of time men sat in a circle around a
fire and no woman was allowed to join them.
Before a boy was allowed to join the circle he had to go
hunting all by himself to prove that he was
a man. Some of the boys died and never
returned. They became the meal of one of many predators who saw humans as
easy prey. The boy who was ready to be a man knew the risk, but he also
knew that if he showed any fear, the men of the tribe would treat him like a
woman and for him
that was a fate worse than death.
The size of the animal he killed would determine his
status, his place in the circle
when he returned. It would also decide which woman
he would be given as a mate.
Although this may sound barbaric to us now, in those
brutal times a man’s hunting skill meant life
or starvation for his woman and children. If he did well
on his hunt and proved himself,
he would keep a larger portion of the kill when he went
out with the other hunters.
Even in our time, a boy becomes a man, by passing many
tests. How he proves himself determines his status and how he is treated
as he becomes a man. CEOs of companies are often strong, confident
men and their demeanor displays great strength and power.
I was never chosen first for teams. I wasn’t an
athlete on the sports teams in junior high school
or high school. For the most part the girls were
drawn to those boys.
I played in the band and watched other boys prove themselves on the football
field and on the basket ball court. I wrote poetry and short stories. Was I a man?
Research shows that many women look for a man who will be
a good provider which means
that his status in the masculine circle is, in part, defined
by how much money he makes.
But tall men with large chins and muscular bodies attract
some women;
men who will be able to protect them from harm.
“Women also perceive men differently depending on what
they want. Those interested in
a short-term fling will choose a handsome man over a less
handsome one, wallet sized be damned.
But when they are seeking a long-term
partner, other qualities, such as willingness and ability
to support children, take precedence over a well chiseled
chest.”
Levine, K (2010)
Perhaps the decision that defines a man the most is
how he decides what he should feel and think,
and how he should act. Does
he know that he is free to choose who he will be? Does he have
the courage and strength to be the man he was born to be?
How can a man be true to himself
and decide who he is when our culture is all about
fitting in. Every young man looks for role models and for many that means
they become like their fathers, good or bad. Some find their role models
in the movies or on TV.
As men we feel it is necessary to make compromises in
order to be accepted by society but do we know how much freedom we lose by
compromising? Do we know that each compromise causes
a part of us to die? Do we see how compromise robs
us of our passion for life? In the end, as men
we either become our
choices or we become the result of not making any choices at all.
The phrase, “A man’s man” has always, to me seemed like a
validation that a man is no longer
a boy. It means he has been accepted by other
men. In order to achieve this acceptance boys
deal with a lot of pressure as they seek to become
men.
They start out making choices for themselves and then they face
compromises as they try to fit in.
They may feel they have to compromise their
sensitivity. They may feel they are expected to be fearless, tough,
strong, confident and decisive. They may feel they shouldn’t show any emotion
in case they are seen as being weak. They may feel pressured to say disrespectful
things about women
with their friends. They may even feel pressure to act
disrespectfully (or worse) towards women.
But, the truth is that some men play the piano, they
write poetry and are gentle and kind.
Some men don’t seek status in the masculine circle or
manage to find a healthy balance.
And, here’s a less palatable truth:
Nice men may not be popular with women.
As we have seen, women often choose a man who is capable
of providing for them and protecting them, this means they may not choose a man
they see as weak.
So, there are a lot of women who agree with the social
stereotype of what it means to be a man.
There are a lot of good men out there who want to be
the man women will choose. My guess is that some of them, maybe more than
we think, would feel relieved if there was less pressure and stress about what
is expected of a man.
So what is a real man? In my
opinion, a real man would never hurt, abuse, or treat women
as less than them. A real man is not afraid to
treat women with respect even when other men are watching them. He won’t
speak about women one way when he is with his guy friends and another way when
he is with a woman. He won’t give in to pressure from his peers, even
though that may mean he will lose his place in the masculine circle; even if
that means that some women may reject him.
He doesn’t have to prove he is
a man to anyone.
It’s hard to be a man in today’s culture, there is a lot
of pressure coming from all directions.
It seems to be that it would be good to change the expectations
we put on men
so I would like to propose an alternative way:
What if:
Boys/young men had the freedom to choose what kind of men
they want to be?
It was possible for the masculine culture to evolve and
change?
Men were respected and accepted if they share their
emotions.
Women help put an end to the social stereotype of what a
man should be?
Fathers were a different kind of role model for their
sons and set them free to be real men?
Men were allowed to be free and independent thinkers who
don’t have to make compromises
to fit in?
Violence was no longer associated with how we see men?
Women valued men in a new way and were more likely to
choose a gentle, sensitive man?
All women had reason to believe that there are many
good men?
We redefine what it means to be a man?
In my upcoming book “Saving Linda” the lead character
discovers that there are many, many gentle and sensitive men in the world
who see women as equals and who will treat them well.
It’s my hope that this book, which will come out in autumn
2013, show how we need to change
our definition of what being a man means.
Please leave a comment. I’d love to hear your definition
of a real man is and hear your stories
of the good men you have met.
Just a few words from a humble, simple, ordinary man
Curtis H. Stamey (aka Kenpo Bear)
References
Karjean Levine (Dec 2010). The Puzzle of Pretty Boys
in Psychology Today (p. 64)
http://kenpobear.com/2013/06/what-it-means-to-be-a-real-man/
Curtis H. Stamey calls
himself a ‘poet discovering inspiration’. A storyteller at over 30 spiritual
retreats, Curtis is also a prolific folk artist, Kenpo lover and writer. Curtis
was a pastor for 16 years. During that time, he counselled hundreds of women
who were raped and/or abused.
As a child, his own mother endured many years of verbal
abuse that he feels eventually destroyed her spirit. The pain Curtis witnessed
inspired him to write a novel called Saving Linda
Saving Linda is a
bold and gritty journey through the trauma of rape and abuse, ultimately
walking with the reader into a new life of healing, freedom and empowerment.
Curtis started this blog to provide a platform to address these often hidden
issues in our society, and to offer hope and encouragement to those who might
be suffering in isolation.
Lovingly known as ‘Kenpo Bear’ to his friends and
followers, Curtis’ hope and prayer is that we all learn to love and accept each
other as we are, and celebrate our unique differences.
Perhaps you’d like to checkout my sister blog www.innermindreading.blogspot.com
and find easy, fast and efficient ways of working with
the issues or little unpleasantness’s in your life.
Further down this blog find:
10 things extraordinary people say every day. 20/01/14
Factors that can cause people to be difficult 05/01/14
How to say what you need M'reen
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