There are many different ways to being an effective listener.
Want To Be a Better Listener? Try These 5 Tips
I’m a big fan of Elizabeth
Bernstein‘s work in the Wall Street Journal, and she wrote
an interesting piece, How
Well Are You Listening? We’re naturally bad listeners,
even with loved ones;
steps to avoid burn-out.
Here are some of the key
steps she outlines, for being a better listener:
1. Look for hints
that a person wants to talk — and signal your willingness to listen.
My husband rarely wants to
“talk,” but when he does, I put my book down flat in my lap,
to show that I’m paying close
attention (and to prevent myself from sneaking a look
at the page).
2. Let the other
person explain what’s on his or her mind.
Acknowledge the reality of someone else’s feelings.
For me, this is a key step.
When I started to acknowledge the reality of other people’s feelings,
especially the negative feelings of my children,
I saw a major improvement in
communication. I remind myself: don’t deny feelings like anger, irritation,
fear, or reluctance; instead, articulate the other person’s point of view.
“You don’t feel like going.”
“You’re bored.” “Usually, you enjoy this,
but right now you’re not in
the mood.” This is harder than it sounds.
3. Encourage the
person to elaborate by asking about open-ended questions,
making listening noises
(turns out these are called “minimal encouragers”),
sitting in a way that shows
attentiveness, making eye contact.
4. Paraphrase what
someone said, to show that you’ve understood his or her point.
5. Ask questions and
listen to try to help work on a possible solution —
but don’t rush to fix
things.
When it comes to the issue of
listening well, the best book I’ve ever read on the subject
is framed as a parenting
book, but the advice it contains applies equally well to adults.
I love this book:
Faber and Mazlish’s How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will
Talk. I’ve read it several times.
But speaking of books, here’s
a mistake I find myself making over and over:
when someone’s trying to explain
some problem to me,
I respond by making suggestions of books for that person to
read.
Practically everything in
life reminds me of something I’ve read, and when people are in a difficult
situation, I’m often flooded with thoughts about relevant passages I’ve read,
or books that might be
useful.
For instance, a friend just told
me about her divorce, and I kept saying things like,
“You should read Crazy Time, several people have told me
what a great book that is
when you’re getting a
divorce.” Another friend was going through a truly staggering series
of tragedies, and I couldn’t
help sending her quotations that seemed relevant.
On the one hand, I’m sure my
friends know that this is my idiosyncratic way of showing love,
and trying to be helpful, but
on the other hand, I know I should be quiet and listen,
and not keep saying “Read
this, read that!” Next time, I will hold myself back. I vow.
Have you found any strategies
that have helped you be a better listener?
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