10 Ways
Remarkably Polite People Are More Successful
Jeff
Haden
Occasionally,
we meet a person who stands out in the best possible way.
He might
be remarkably charismatic. She might think remarkable thoughts.
And remarkably giving people -- they are impossible to
ignore.
If you
develop those traits, you won't just be likable;
those traits
will make people want to work with you and do business with you.
That's also
why we love being around genuinely polite people. (Not fake polite -- sincere polite.)
They make us feel comfortable. They make us feel respected and valuable.
We would
love to be more like them.
And we love
doing business with them.
Here's how
remarkably polite people do it:
1. They always step forward.
You're at a
party. A friend gestures to someone several steps away and says,
"Let me
introduce you to Bob." Bob sees you coming.
And he
stands there, waiting for you to come to him in some weird power move.
Remarkably
polite people, no matter how great their perceived status, step forward, smile,
tilt their
head slightly downward (a sign of respect in every culture),
and act as
if they are the one honored by the introduction, not you.
(When I met Mark Cuban,
that is exactly what he did. He heard I wanted to meet him
and immediately
walked across the room--where I was waiting to see if it would be OK--to say
hello. The fact I remember how gracious he was
tells you
everything you need to know about the impression he made.)
In short,
polite people never big-time you; instead, they always make you feel big time.
2. They keep using the name you used to introduce yourself.
You're at an
event. You introduce yourself to me as Jonathan. We talk.
Within
minutes, I'm calling you John. Or Johnny. Or Jack. Or the J-man.
Maybe your
friends call you J-man, but we're not friends (yet), and you definitely haven't
given me permission to go full diminutive on you, much less full nickname.
Remarkably
polite people wait to be asked to use a different, more familiar name.
They call
you what you asked--or later ask--to be called
because it's
your right to be addressed in the way you wish to be addressed.
Anything
less would be uncivilized.
3. They don't touch unless they are touched first.
(Handshakes
excluded, of course.)
Polite
people wait for the other person to establish the nonsexual touch guidelines.
While I know
that sounds like no one will ever hug or pat a shoulder or forearm
because no
one can ever go first, don't worry.
Huggers hug.
Patters pat. Backslappers slap. That's what they do.
Remarkably
polite people go a step further: They never pat or squeeze or slap (in a good
way),
even if they
are patted or squeezed or slapped.
Sure, they
hug back, but they don't reciprocate other forms of touch.
Why? Some
people don't even realize they're touching you,
but they
definitely notice when you touch them. That makes them feel uncomfortable,
and
discomfort is the last way polite people want other people to feel.
4. They never let on they know more than they should.
Some people
share incessantly on social media.
And maybe
you occasionally see what they've been up to.
But polite
people don't bring those things up. They talk about sports, they talk about the
weather, they talk about how The Walking Dead is a metaphor for life in
corporate America,
but they
only talk about personal subjects the other person actually discloses in
person.
Maybe it
seems like the person wants everyone to know about a personal subject,
but in fact
that's rarely the case.
So unless
his or her social media broadcasts were specifically directed to you, always
wait.
5. They never ignore the elephants.
An
acquaintance's mom died a few weeks ago.
You see him,
and you're not sure whether to bring it up.
Remarkably
polite people always bring it up. They keep it simple, like,
"I was
sorry to hear about your mother.
I've been
thinking about you and am hoping you're doing OK."
Awkward?
Absolutely not. You've expressed your condolences (which you should),
and now you
can both move on: Your friend is no longer wondering
if and when
you might mention it, and you are no longer wondering whether you should.
Where
relationships are concerned, the best elephant is a dead elephant.
6. They never gossip -- or listen to gossip.
It's hard to
resist the inside scoop. Finding out the reasons behind someone's decisions,
the
motivations behind someone's actions, the skinny behind someone's hidden agenda
-- much less whether Liam is really dating Jeannette from marketing -- those
conversations are hard to resist.
Remarkably
polite people know gossiping about other people makes you wonder
what they're
saying about you. In fact, when someone starts to talk about
someone else,
polite
people excuse themselves and walk away. They don't worry that they will lose a
gossiper's respect; anyone willing to gossip doesn't respect other people
anyway.
If you want
to share the inside scoop, talk openly about your own thoughts or feelings—
then you're
not gossiping, you're being genuine.
That's what
polite people do. But at the same time...
7. They never speak just to share the greater glory of themselves.
How can you
tell? If you're talking about something just because it feels really good to
share it,
and there's
no place for the other person to add value, you're just patting yourself on the
back.
When
remarkably polite people want to talk about themselves, they ask for advice—
but
not humble-brag advice like,
"I
notice you keep your car really clean; what wax do you recommend for a
Porsche?"
Ask a question
that shows you truly value the other person's expertise or knowledge.
The person
will feel good, because you implicitly show you trust his or her opinion;
you actually
get input you can use. Win-win.
And totally
polite.
8. They never push their opinions.
We all know
things. Cool things. Great things.
Just make
sure you share those things in the right settings. If you're a mentor, share
away.
If you're a
coach or a leader, share away. If you're the guy who just started a paleo diet,
don't tell
us all what to order unless we ask.
Remarkably
polite people know that what is right for them might not be right for others –
and even if
it is right, it is not their place to decide that for you.
Like most
things in life, offering helpful advice is all about picking the right spot –
and polite
people know the right spot is always after you are asked.
They never
judge.
They don't
judge the person they are speaking to. They don't judge other people.
They don't
judge other cultures or countries or, well, anything.
Why?
Remarkably polite people realize they aren't perfect either.
9. They're masters of the art of social jiujitsu.
You meet
someone, talk for 30 minutes, and walk away thinking,
"Wow,
we just had a great conversation. She is awesome."
Of course,
when you think about it later, you realize you didn't learn a thing about the
other person.
Remarkably
polite people are masters at social jiujitsu, the ancient art of getting you to
talk
about
yourself without you ever knowing it happened.
SJ masters
are fascinated by your every career step, your every journey of personal
transformation, your every clever maneuver on your climb to the top of your
social ladder...
They find
you fascinating -- and that gives you permission to find yourself fascinating.
(That's an authorization
we all enjoy.)
Social
jiujitsu is easy. Just ask the right questions.
Stay
open-ended, and allow room for description and introspection. Ask how or why or
who.
As soon as
you learn a little about someone, ask how she did it. Or why she did it.
Or what she
liked about it, or what she learned from it,
or what you
should do if you're in a similar situation.
And don't
think you're being manipulative, because you're not.
Showing a
sincere interest in people isn't manipulative. It's fun -- for you and for
them.
They get to
talk about things they're passionate about,
and you get
to enjoy their enthusiasm and excitement and passion.
And if
that's not enough, think of it this way: No one receives too much respect.
Asking other
people about themselves implicitly shows you respect them.
Respect is
the mother of polite.
10. They never stop being polite.
They don't
just turn on the charm the first time you meet. They don't use it and lose it.
Remarkably
polite people keep on being polite: partly because they know no other way to
be,
but also
because they know there is no other way to be.
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https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/10-ways-remarkably-polite-people-more-successful-jeff-haden
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