“The greatest
good you can do for another is not just to share your riches but to reveal to
him his own.” ~Benjamin Disraeli
"In this article by Wendy Fung is one to be kept
by your side if you resonate with any of the points.
I know that I have the T-shirt for some of the
areas and was aware of that energy but was unable to let it go for some years
because I didn’t want to. When I was able to let it go I realised that the
energy was far wider and far deeper than the situation itself and that it was a
fundamental part of me from way back. Eventually I was able to love me
sufficiently to do so and now look on myself and the situation with a quiet
smile of love."
By Wendy Fung
Announcement: Wish you could change your past? Learn to let
go and create a life you love with the new Tiny
Buddha course!
When I entered
into a relationship with my ex-boyfriend four years ago, I felt I had found a
kindred spirit. We met at a meditation retreat where we both volunteered in the
kitchen. I found myself touched by the sincerity of his smile and the kindness and
compassion he showed to
everyone as Kitchen Manager. He had lost his leg in childhood but was never
bitter, self-conscious, or self-defeated. He amazed me with his ability to be
carefree and lived each
day being present in the moment,
which was the opposite of how I had previously lived.
He inspired me
to look at life differently, to devote myself to living authentically, and to
care more for my physical and spiritual self.
Soon after we
met, we decided to forego having a long-distance relationship and that he would
move in with me. In this new city he had no friends, no money, and no job, but
we both felt the excitement of potential and we were in love. We laughed and
cried together. We talked about our hopes, fears, and dreams. We held each
other close and learned how to be a “we.”
I started
small in helping him: I bought him new clothes and shoes. I paid for food and
didn’t charge him rent. Then I bought him a laptop and paid for joint
activities and our vacations together. We agreed that it would all be
temporary. He was determined to be financially independent soon.
He was grateful at first, telling me that he really
appreciated everything I was doing for him,
and I felt I was
making a difference in his life. I saw his potential and we discussed how he
would eventually build a career of his own. Meanwhile, with his emotional
support and guidance, I was living a more spiritual life than I had ever done
before. I took many classes and was preparing to start my own business in body
and energy work, while still holding down a full-time job in the corporate world.
We discussed that, in the near future, I would quit my day job and we would
build a business together. Then a series of setbacks: his mother’s death, his
need for a new prosthetic leg, and his inability to find a satisfying and
financially supportive job.
I found myself
feeling increasingly impatient and resentful as he became more and more
emotionally distant and spent the better part of each day playing video games.
Finally, wanting
to heal him of his passivity and frustration, I invested for him to take a
six-month long life coaching course out of state. We reaffirmed our commitment
to each other, and we both hoped that this was a new beginning. After two
months apart, he told me that he felt wonderful and hopeful and that he was back on his authentic path because of this training.
What I did not
expect was that he had time to think about our relationship and had come to the
conclusion that he felt trapped and obligated for everything he owed me, and
was therefore no longer able to be in relationship with me.
Being with me was
a constant reminder of how low he had sunk in his life and how dependent and
weak he was. He didn’t like feeling as if he was a liability in someone else’s
life. I felt betrayed, angry, and hurt. Throughout our relationship, I had
tried to help him by giving him everything I had to offer, but it wasn’t
enough. I had to learn that no matter how hard I tried to help him, I could not give so much of myself that I
become depleted financially, emotionally, and energetically.
My lesson was
to learn how to help others without compromising myself. Here’s what I’ve
learned about that:
1.
You can’t help someone who is not taking responsibility for helping
himself.
Sometimes, no
matter how much you give, the other person doesn’t seem to meet you halfway.
It seems like the
more you try to help them, the more they stay the same, or worse, regress.
Maybe they have
become so used to your helping them that they no longer have the ability to see
where they need to help themselves. Or maybe they take your helping for granted
so they feel they no longer need to participate.
2. Sometimes, doing nothing is helping them.
When someone asks
you for help in some tangible way or when you see the obvious need in others,
especially a loved one, it’s very hard to say no. However, before you say yes,
ask yourself what’s the cost to you. Are you compromising yourself in some way
that is beyond your personal
boundaries? Sometimes by
saying no and doing nothing, you’re giving them a chance to take responsibility
for their own lives and help themselves.
3. Helping someone doesn’t
mean fixing them.
Often, you think
you know what is best for another person, but you don’t truly know what is for
their highest good or what life has in store for them. They are in a situation
because they need to learn some spiritual or life lessons. You can’t short change
their learning process, no matter how hard you try to help them, if they’re not
in the right place and time to learn those lessons.
4. You can help by accepting
them as and where they are.
We all have judgments about ourselves and others. However, helping
means accepting the other person as they are and where they are on their life’s
path. It can be excruciatingly painful to sit by and watch the other person
self-destruct or seemingly do nothing to help themselves, but maybe this is
what they need right now in order to become more aware in themselves.
5. Don’t be attached to the
outcome of your helping.
You may have
expectations of what
someone would become and what they’d do with their lives once you help them.
You want to see this person feel better, be happier, healthier, and make better
life decisions. However, it’s not up to you to put intention in the other
person’s space. What’s good for them may not be what you expect, and you might
not like or agree with the outcome. Let go of attachment to your own ego and
your own vision of what the other person will become once they’re helped.
6. Send loving,
compassionate intention.
Know that your
intention to help another person, when it’s from a place of neutrality, love,
and compassion, will always be helpful, whether or not you feel you’re doing
enough. Just having the intention to help and sending your peaceful, loving
energy to the other person and their situation is sometimes the best thing to
do. Thoughts have energy, so even if you just send compassionate thoughts to
the other person, you are
doing something to help. Other people are often mirrors for our own
growth. Wanting to heal others is a way of being aware of what we want to heal
within ourselves. By being lovingly compassionate and accepting of ourselves
and our boundaries, we can not only help others, but we can also help
ourselves.
Photo by rabiem22
http://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-help-others-without-compromising-yourself/?utm_content=bufferddae8&utm_source=buffer&utm_medium=twitter&utm_campaign=Bufferblog
Perhaps you’d like to checkout my sister blog www.innermindreading.blogspot.com
and find easy, fast and efficient ways of working with
the issues or little unpleasantness’s in your life.
I am now featuring aspects
of my upcoming internet programme to teach Inner Mind Reading.
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