Do you have difficulty saying no to other people?
Do you know how to say no to others?
I’ll admit it – I don’t like to say no. Whenever
someone has a request,
I’ll say yes where I can help it. Part of this is
because I don’t like to leave people
in the lurch. The other part comes from not wanting
to disappoint others.
And yet another part of me also feels saying no
possibly means burning bridges
with others, and I don’t want to jeopardize my
relationships with them.
Hence, I say yes where I can, and say no as less
often as possible.
Realities of NOT Saying No
While saying yes seems like an easy answer for the
reasons above,
it’s not necessary the best answer all the time.
Just like saying no has its implications, NOT
saying no *has* implications too. Every time we say yes to
something, we’re actually saying no to something else. Think
about it:
·
When you say yes to something you don’t enjoy, you
say no to things that you love
·
When you say yes to a job you don’t love, you say
no to your dreams
·
When you say yes to someone you don’t like, you say
no to a fulfilling relationship
·
When you say yes to working overtime, you say no to
your social life
·
When you say yes to Quadrant 3/4 tasks, you
say no to your Quadrant 2,
high value activities
·
Many people know me today as a blogger, a coach and
a trainer. I run Personal Excellence, which has evolved into a trusted blog
with over 1 million
pageviews per month
(as of Oct ’11). I’m pursuing my passion, to
help others grow and be their best self.
I leverage on whichever mediums
appropriate to help others grow, be it writing books,
1-1 coaching, blogging,
training, and in the future, possibly my talk show
and more. I really love my life and I’m happiest
than I’ve ever been.
Each day I experience a new level of joy that I’ve
not felt before.
Yet, I did not start out like this in the
beginning.
The very reason why I’m here today is because I
said no to many things along the way, things which did not support my dreams:
·
I said no to my previous career in brand management
and my ex-company.
I loved the job, I loved the people, I loved the
environment, I loved the company. The money was great; the prospects were great
too. But I love my passion more. I love helping others
to
grow. I love pursuing my purpose in life. So I said no to it in 2008. I quit my
full-time job and started to pursue my passion from ground zero, starting with this blog.
·
I said no to friendships which were holding me back.
I love the people around me more
than they know, so much so that if there comes a point where the friendship is
no longer compatible for us, perhaps it’s time to walk our paths and pursue our
individual life journeys. There’s no reason why either of us should hold each
other back.
I parted ways with my
best friend of 10 years, K, over a year ago, and we’ve
since been happier, moving forward in our lives in ways we couldn’t previously.
·
I said no to many unimportant activities.
If something doesn’t have a purpose to it,
and seems like a waste of time, I
don’t participate in it. I value my time a lot and I only want to spend it on
things I love. That’s what it means to live life to the fullest, via maximizing
every moment we have, doing things we love, and things which are important to
us.
·
I said no many business opportunities,
some of which were very lucrative. Why do I say no then? Because they are not
in alignment with my personal vision for my life’s work.
If
it’s not going to lead me to my end goal, I’d rather invest my energy and time
into a place that does. Otherwise, it’s going to be a waste of everyone’s time
and resources.
Not only that, I'm also not being responsible to the other party
in question,
because it’s a venture together.
·
I said no to potential clients.
While this doesn’t happen all the time, I get potential clients who are not
good fits with the coaching. It happens when they see the coaching as a magical
solution to all of life’s problems without having to do anything, when they are
not willing to put in the due work to achieve their goals, and so on. I want
all my clients to get every cent of their money’s worth from the coaching, so
in such cases
I
rather not take them on because I don’t think they’ll be able to get any
meaningful outcome. While it means losing out on revenue for the month, I’d
rather earn the money from helping people I know will definitely reap the
rewards.
·
I said no to many monetization opportunities.
While many blogs tend to milk the money’s worth out of their email lists, this
is not really my top priority. I’ve been on email lists where the bloggers keep
blasting sales messages on a near weekly basis,
and
it really annoys me. I protect my readers and my email list (those on my
newsletter)
with my life, and I’ll only send out messages that I deem of
highest relevance.
This
means I only write and post the absolute best content here, promoting products
and services that I endorse 110% (actually to date, I’ve never done any product
or
service review at all out of the hundreds of product/service review requests I
get,
which gives you an idea of the threshold I’ve in place) and producing uber
high value products which have a hundred times more value than what it’s priced
at.
Personal Excellence Book is the only product
I’ve launched at Personal Excellence
after nearly 2 years and it contains
immense value for the price I’ve set.
Update Dec ’10: The 30DLBL Program is now
officially released
and you can check it out here: 30 Days To Live a Better
Life
There are many other things I said no to in my life
and that I continue to say no to
on a regular basis. If I haven’t said no to
all the things above, I’ll never have been able to have time to write these
hundreds of articles, coach my 1-1 clients, run my workshops, develop my
business, reach out to ten thousands of people around the world, create a top
quality blog, have time with my family and friends, cultivate high quality,
meaningful
and fulfilling relationships, and live the life I love today.
The path of realizing your truest dreams requires
you to say a lot of ‘no’s.
No’s to Quadrant 3/4 tasks, no’s to unfulfilling
jobs, no’s to work you don’t believe in,
no’s to outrageous requests, no’s to negative and unhappy
people,
no’s to draining activities, no’s to meaningless
tasks, no’s to many many things.
Look at how you’ve been living your life in the
past week and think about what
you’ve been saying yes to. Have you been saying yes
to an unfulfilling job?
Yes to unfulfilling relationships? Yes to people
who don’t respect your time?
Yes to people who don’t appreciate you? Yes to work
you don’t enjoy?
Yes to activities you dislike? Yes to people who
don’t appreciate you?
Because if you have, what you’re really doing is
saying no to your ideal life.
Is that what you want? Are you being fair to
yourself?
Respecting Yourself
You know, to me saying no ultimately boils down to
respecting yourself.
Do you respect yourself?
Do you respect your time? Because if you respect yourself,
you’ll also respect
your time. You’ll be very conscious of how you spend it.
You’ll say no to things which aren’t a good match
for your interests,
because you know you deserve more than that.
You’ll say no to things that you don’t enjoy,
because you'd rather spend your time doing things you love.
because you know you deserve more than that.
You’ll say no to things that you don’t enjoy,
because you'd rather spend your time doing things you love.
You’ll say no to people who don’t appreciate what you do,
because they are just not worth it.
You’ll say no to people who take you for granted,
because it’s a waste of your time.
Many people say yes to things they don’t like
because deep down,
they don’t value themselves in the same way. They see others as more important. They see themselves as less important, that their time is dispensable, that they are not valuable.
They keep putting themselves out there, sacrificing themselves for others.
For the same reason, they don’t value their dreams. They look at their dreams and think “This is just a dream. It’s not worth going for. It’s never going to come true”.
they don’t value themselves in the same way. They see others as more important. They see themselves as less important, that their time is dispensable, that they are not valuable.
They keep putting themselves out there, sacrificing themselves for others.
For the same reason, they don’t value their dreams. They look at their dreams and think “This is just a dream. It’s not worth going for. It’s never going to come true”.
Then they just put them aside, and do things they
don’t enjoy, day in and out.
If you don’t even respect your goals and dreams,
then who is going respect them?
If you don’t even think they are important, who is
going to think they are?
If you don’t say no to things you don’t believe in,
then who is going to say no for you?
If you don’t say yes to your goals and dreams, then
who will help you say yes to them? When are you going to say no for real, so
you can finally say yes to your dreams,
and most importantly, to yourself?
How To Say No: 11 Steps To Say No
To Others
It’s an ongoing process to learn how to say no, and
it can be easy to tough to get started. But as long as you realize the
importance of saying no, you’re on your way there.
For the remainder of this article, I’ll share 11
steps on how to say no.
Whether you’re saying no to your boss, a friend, a
colleague, a family member
or a stranger, you’ll find the steps helpful.
Remember there’s nothing wrong with saying no –
it’s about learning how to say no.
And hopefully with this guide, you’ll now know how to say no to others in the future.
And hopefully with this guide, you’ll now know how to say no to others in the future.
1. Be clear of your vision
A lot of times we don’t say no because we don’t
have a good enough reason to say no, other than a nagging feeling that we don’t
want to do that. The nagging feeling is a start. It’s a clue that there is
something else we’d rather do, a different scenario we’d rather be in. Probe
further then. Think about your ideal vision, your dream outcome.
What is your long-term vision for yourself,
independent of the current situation?
If you have your way, how would you want things to
be? This is what you truly want.
Many people thought it was a big loss to quit my
up-and-going career in a Fortune 100 company back in 2008. But it wasn’t a loss
to me at all. To me the real loss would be
if I had continued on staying in a job which was
not going to lead me to my dreams.
I was very clear of my end vision, which was to
help others grow and live their best lives, through different mediums such as
my blog, training, coaching and others.
I knew this is what I want to do for the rest of my
life, ever.
To continue in my job would prevent my dreams from
coming to live.
To stay on for another 1, 3, 5 years would only put
me in the same position with respect to pursuing my passion 1, 3, 5 years later
– at ground zero. I didn’t want this.
My purpose and passion was the most important thing
to me in my life, and there was nothing I would rather do in my life than that.
To spend my time doing something which wasn’t that – there was really no point.
This was why it was so easy for me to make the decision, because I knew what
was at stake if I continued to say yes to my current job.
Once you know what your vision is, it’ll be
extremely easy to say no, because now you have a clear reason to do so. The
clearer you are, the easier it will be to say no, because now you will know
exactly what you want to say yes to.
2. Know the implications of
saying yes
We normally say yes to the little requests
streaming in because it may seem like
a small deal. Just chip in and help if we can – what’s the problem?
It doesn’t take much time, maybe just 10-15 minutes, or 20 minutes max. Right?
a small deal. Just chip in and help if we can – what’s the problem?
It doesn’t take much time, maybe just 10-15 minutes, or 20 minutes max. Right?
Yet, these little moments pile up over time to
become big clogs. There’s a reason why top executives, despite managing large
companies and businesses, can have time
for themselves, their families, friends and work
all the time, while some people
who are always busy day-in and day-out never seem
to progress in their life situations.
It’s as if the latter group is busy running to stay in the same spot.
It’s as if the latter group is busy running to stay in the same spot.
That’s because the former knows the implications of
not saying no.
You can keep saying yes to errands, requests, and
calls for help, but you’ll never be able to live the life you want. With every
small request taking up 15 minutes, a few of such requests a day will easily
suck up hours. Think in terms of months and years, and think of all the years
you’re letting slip through your hands. Is that how you want your life to be
summarized as – the NPC rather than the hero out
there living the life he/she wants?
Whenever you get a request, think twice
before you say yes or no.
What’s going to happen if you say yes to it? What
are the long-term implications?
What is there to gain? What are you going to lose
if you agree? Do you really have to say yes? What limiting beliefs do you have
that are making you say yes?
I believe that time is more precious than money,
because while you can earn back money, you can never get back time. Once you
lose your time, you lose it forever.
The moment can’t be recaptured. Because of that, I
really value my time –
it’s my most precious commodity and I’m very conscious of how I spend it. I only engage in activities that have the most relevance to my needs, and in everything I do and take part in, I’ll give it my all.
That’s what it means to live my life to the fullest – to maximize every moment that I’m in.
it’s my most precious commodity and I’m very conscious of how I spend it. I only engage in activities that have the most relevance to my needs, and in everything I do and take part in, I’ll give it my all.
That’s what it means to live my life to the fullest – to maximize every moment that I’m in.
3. Realize that saying no is okay
Saying no is okay. We keep thinking that it’s not
okay, that the other person will feel bad, that we’re being evil, that people
will be angry, that we’re being rude, etc.
While these stem from good intentions in us, the thing is most of these fears
are self-created. If the person is open-minded, he/she will understand when you say no.
While these stem from good intentions in us, the thing is most of these fears
are self-created. If the person is open-minded, he/she will understand when you say no.
And if the person doesn’t understand and gets
unhappy, I’m not sure if saying yes
is a solution to begin with. After all, you can say
yes once,
but you can’t possibly say yes for the rest of your life just to appease one person.
And how many people do you need to keep saying yes to before you finally have to say no?
but you can’t possibly say yes for the rest of your life just to appease one person.
And how many people do you need to keep saying yes to before you finally have to say no?
In such a scenario, there’s even more reason to say
no so you can let the other party know exactly where you stand once and for
all, vs. leading him/her on by saying yes.
There have been past situations where I was worried
about saying no, because I was afraid the person would be disappointed, or that
he/she would be unhappy, and bridges would be burned. And while it took me time
to convey the message, nothing bad happened
from saying no. Sure I felt bad in that instant where I said it, and sure the person
must have felt disappointed, but it was never as bad as I thought it would be.
Many times we continue to be on good terms, if not better, because now
from saying no. Sure I felt bad in that instant where I said it, and sure the person
must have felt disappointed, but it was never as bad as I thought it would be.
Many times we continue to be on good terms, if not better, because now
the relationship had become stronger from the
experience. I also know I can be honest
with this person in saying no next time too. And to think that I was worried earlier
with this person in saying no next time too. And to think that I was worried earlier
for so many things which didn’t even come to
fruition!
Saying no is okay and its part and parcel of life.
People say yes and no all the time
every day in this world. You’re definitely not the
only person saying no to someone else. So don’t worry about it. Being
respectful in your communication is more important (see #6).
4. Use the medium you’re most
comfortable with
Use the appropriate medium to communicate the
message – face-to-face,
instant messaging, emailing, SMS, phone call or even others. I don’t think there’s a one best medium because I’ve used different mediums before and it depends on the context and
your relationship with the person. Email is great because you can write out the message, then send and not have to worry about it, until you get the reply. Face-to-face
has a personal touch to it – you can get the person’s reaction instantly, address
instant messaging, emailing, SMS, phone call or even others. I don’t think there’s a one best medium because I’ve used different mediums before and it depends on the context and
your relationship with the person. Email is great because you can write out the message, then send and not have to worry about it, until you get the reply. Face-to-face
has a personal touch to it – you can get the person’s reaction instantly, address
any questions and close the issue on the spot.
Instant messaging lets you see answers
in real time while giving you the chance to craft
your messages before sending them out.
Use whatever is best for you. It should be the
medium you’re most comfortable with.
5. Keep it simple
Keep it simple – let the person know that you can’t
do it, and give a short explanation why you’re saying no. Sometimes a simple
“No it’s okay”, “I’m sorry it doesn’t meet
my needs at the moment”, “I have other priorities
and I can’t work on this
at the moment” or “Perhaps next time” work just
fine. There’s no need to over-explain
as it’s not relevant for the party anyway, and it might lead to the other party trying
as it’s not relevant for the party anyway, and it might lead to the other party trying
to challenge your stance instead when all you want
to do is to communicate a message of “No, thank you”. If there are certain
things which you’re open to discuss/negotiate on,
put them up for discussion here.
put them up for discussion here.
6. Be respectful
Many don’t say no because they feel it’s
disrespectful,
however it’s about how you say it rather than the act of saying no.
Be respectful in your reply, value the other party’s stance and you’ll be fine.
however it’s about how you say it rather than the act of saying no.
Be respectful in your reply, value the other party’s stance and you’ll be fine.
7. Provide an alternative if you
want
This is not necessary – If you like, propose an
alternative.
If you don’t think you’re the right person for the
request, then propose someone
whom you think is a better fit. If you’re not free
to be engaged at the moment
but you’d like to be involved, then propose an
alternate timing where you are free.
If there’s something you think is an issue, then
point it out so you can help him/her improve. Do it if you can and if you want
to, but don’t take it upon yourself to do this.
I usually do this as an act of good will, but if I
can’t think of any alternatives then I don’t.
Don’t take responsibility for the person’s request because then you’re just trying
Don’t take responsibility for the person’s request because then you’re just trying
to overcompensate for not being able to say yes.
Saying no is not a problem nor an issue (see #3).
Saying no is not a problem nor an issue (see #3).
8. Make yourself less accessible
One situation I face from running the blog is the
volume of emails and
requests.
Most of the messages are people seeking for help
and advice. And while I’d love
to address as many of them as possible, it has
become a problem when there are more requests than can be humanly addressed. On
an average day I’ll have requests coming in from many different places, from
Facebook, Twitter, Email, during/after workshops,
as well as calls/smses from friends/coaches seeking advice.
as well as calls/smses from friends/coaches seeking advice.
I consider this a luxury problem, because it is an
honor that people trust me to open their hearts, tell me their problems and ask
me for advice, over the other people in their life.
At the same time it’s impossible for me to help everyone. When the emails start becoming long outpours of personal life stories, deep issues and cries for help,
At the same time it’s impossible for me to help everyone. When the emails start becoming long outpours of personal life stories, deep issues and cries for help,
when phone calls become extended into 2-3 hour pep
talk sessions, and when people
in question become reliant on me for solutions and
answers, it’s apparent that there has
to be an intervention, or I can’t help other people out there who need my help too.
I’ll never have the time to update PE; I’ll never have time to write high value articles;
to be an intervention, or I can’t help other people out there who need my help too.
I’ll never have the time to update PE; I’ll never have time to write high value articles;
I’ll never have the time to write 30DLBL and more
books, conduct workshops,
develop my business, earn money for my livelihood,
support my family, help others,
or even have a life.
My solution for this is to limit the channels to
reach me. On Twitter I only follow a small group of people (and even then I
regularly follow/unfollow different people), so I don’t get DMs there. I have
switched to using a Facebook Page rather than a Facebook personal account, so
that there’s no inbox to check. The channel I direct all enquiries to is the contact page on PE, which has a simple
list of instructions on what to do, depending on the nature of your request.
For the most part, I don’t handle personal emails anymore,
which has cut out a large chunk of my emails from the past.
which has cut out a large chunk of my emails from the past.
Where people would like to have 1-1, full-on
attention and coaching, they are invited to sign up for the 1-1 coaching
sessions, where they can get started in about 1-2 weeks time.
My 1-1 clients get the highest priority, since they are paying for the service
My 1-1 clients get the highest priority, since they are paying for the service
and they’ve shown real commitment to invest in it.
In my workshops, I help everyone
on a group level, after which I redirect them to my
1-1 coaching and my blog
if they want detailed attention and help.
All these measures have helped to reduce incoming
requests considerably.
There is still a lot of streamlining I can do for my communication channels today because I still get a lot of stray requests here and there, and I’ll continue to experiment moving forward.
There is still a lot of streamlining I can do for my communication channels today because I still get a lot of stray requests here and there, and I’ll continue to experiment moving forward.
I think if you face the situation where too many
people keep asking you for help
and it’s just overwhelming you, make yourself less
accessible.
Don’t respond immediately to every single request,
because it just sends the message
that you’re always around all the time for help, which may not be true.
that you’re always around all the time for help, which may not be true.
Instead take a longer time to revert (as your
schedule permits), be more concise
with your replies, and limit your availability.
This way, others will value your time more.
9. Write everything down first
This is very helpful for me when I’m at a block on
how to say no, usually when it’s
a request I feel ambiguous about. Write out
everything that’s on your mind,
which includes what you really want to say to the
person. While you’re doing this,
sometimes you may uncover pent up frustrations. That’s good. Keep writing.
sometimes you may uncover pent up frustrations. That’s good. Keep writing.
While you may start out confused on how exactly to
say no,
the answer will start formulating itself mid-way
through your message.
Continue typing and it’ll soon be clear on what you
actually want, and how to say it.
Once you’re done, now review what you wrote and
edit it to fit your final message.
10. Delay your response
If you’re not keen on the request, delaying your
reply is a way of showing lack
of interest. I usually archive my “no” mail, think
over them for a couple of weeks
and reply them after that. By then the other party
would know that I’m not very keen,
and they would not be so persistent in their responses as well.
and they would not be so persistent in their responses as well.
11. Sometimes, no reply is also a
form of reply
In 11 Tips To Effective
Email Management, I mentioned not replying emails in itself
is a form of answer. It’s true. Running PE, I often
get pitches from other businesses
or bloggers to review products, services, events,
among other things.
If I try to reply to every single one of them I
wouldn’t have time to do anything else.
So most of the times I reply only to those that are
relevant to me.
As for the rest, I don’t respond, which in itself
is a reply.
If a particular request isn’t important to you
and you’re stretched for time, don’t worry too much about it. Life goes on for everyone.
But if the person took some time to write a personal, customized message,
it’ll be nice to just send a short note to say no
and you’re stretched for time, don’t worry too much about it. Life goes on for everyone.
But if the person took some time to write a personal, customized message,
it’ll be nice to just send a short note to say no
so you don’t leave the person hanging. If you
have already said no
and the person still persists, then not replying is
the way to go.
http://personalexcellence.co/blog/how-to-say-no/
Perhaps you’d like to
check out my sister blogs:
www.innermindworking.blogspot.com gives
many ways for you to work with the stresses of life
www.turbochargedreading.blogspot.com describes the steps to
reading in the way your mind prefers
www.happyartaccidents.blogspot.com just for fun
To quote the Dr Seuss
himself, “The more that you read, the more things you will know.
The more that you learn;
the more places you'll go.”
